Identity Issues

I have been praying this evening about what it means to have my identity in Christ. Identity is everything in our language. It's how we cope with concepts that are too large or too complex for us to truly grasp, so we stick a simplified label on it and call it a day. It's where stereotypes come from.

When it comes to defining myself, I have a plethora of labels. Obviously Christian floats right up there at the top, but other winners would also be: writer, skater, gamer and nerd. The label of pastor lurks in the nearby future and that's more than a little weird for me.

I'm pretty laid back when it comes to a lot of activities. Beat me in poker? Not a big deal, I'm not a card shark. Outshoot me in basketball? I should certainly hope you did. Lift more heavy things in the gym? Good for you, I go out of my way to avoid lifting heavy things.

But when it comes to something like my writing, I yearn for affirmation that what I have written is acceptable. When I'm skating, I go out of my way to skate extra-fast as I pass people, just to hear the gasps of surprise. When it comes to my theological ponderings, I hope that others will be impressed with what I've come up with, lest I fail in the pursuit of labels such as theologian or thinker.

While none of these labels are bad in and of themselves, when I find my identity in them, I get caught up in pride. Pride at how fast I can skate, how well I can write or how cleverly I can think. When I fail to skate fast enough or write well enough, when my clever insights turn out to be rehashed ancient ideas, I am crushed. I wonder if I really want to be a writer or a skater? Do I really want to waste time thinking about things that minds far greater than mine have already covered?

Finding my identity in such things turns into an unending roller-coaster, the highs of success, the lows of failures and disappointment and the never-ending drive to find more and more affirmation, regardless of how supportive everyone already is.

So how do I break the cycle? How do I stop identifying myself by what I do and start identifying myself by who I am in Christ?

I think there's an easy answer, but it's hard to put into practice. Spend more time with God. In Exodus 34, when Moses came off the mountain from spending time with God, his face radiated the glory of God. Spending time with God literally altered Moses' appearance. How could it have any less of a metaphorical affect on me?

There are tried and true ways of spending time with God: reading the Bible and prayer. Good stuff both, but I think there's some real limitations to both of them as well.

If I read the Bible for an hour, I will get more out of it than if I only read it for 30 minutes; but I won't necessarily gain twice as much. If I read it for two hours instead of one, I will still gain more, but incrementally less. The Bible is a deep, complex book and reading it can be a test of mental endurance. The longer you read, the more difficult it can be to stay alert and focused. That's partially my American attention span and partially the fact that I'm human.

The same can go for prayer. There have been days where I have literally practiced prayer without ceasing. I recall a few-week period where I pretty much maintained that standard. It was awesome in a lot of ways, but eventually I burned out like a light-bulb. There's only so much constant focus and thought my brain can handle.

So perhaps I can take a page from human relationships for spending time with God. Spending time in the presence of friends doesn't always involve talking. In fact, with some of the really good friends, you can get a lot out of just hanging out watching a movie or playing a game together. Given God's conspicuous lack of a physical presence, however, it makes it difficult to watch a movie with God.

Rather than try to maintain a constant mental awareness of God's presence, perhaps it's enough to dedicate activities to Him. I got the idea from Christ's example wherein He blessed the food with prayer before eating dinner. Why? Probably because prayer is awesome, but possibly also because it's a way of inviting God in to partake in the meal with you.

When I'm eating, I'm not thinking, "Oh, thank you God for this pizza. It's scrumptious. Mmm, that bite was even better than the last, God. Delicious!" I'm usually thinking, "Food is so good. I love food. Food." Or something to that effect. It's not a time I'm consciously dwelling on the presence of God. I'm enjoying what I'm eating, or the company of those I'm eating it with.

What if I kicked off everything like that though? Invite God in to share the movie I'm about to watch, or the game I'm about to play? Or, because I have my devotions at night, start the day with a simple prayer of dedication. I think it would have the immediate effect of altering some of the activities I do, but not drastically so. Perhaps the long-term effect would be a heightened awareness of the presence of God in everything I do.

Perhaps that would be enough to change me as well. Help me find my identity in Christ as I grow to become more like him.

I'm not sure. It's worth a try though. So for the next week, I'm going to try and dedicate everything I do to God, especially the activities where I'm unplugging my brain and relaxing. So that my times of rest and relaxation can be times spent dwelling comfortably in God's presence.

It may not cause my face to glow, but it might just help me gain a greater awareness that my identity is in Christ and not the various things that I do.